-populated mind-

whats going on now? tbh. i dont know. so many things has been coming in and out. on one side she shows me this msg. on the other she is cold as ice. whats really making me worry all the time? im craving for many answers. 


not worth it? tbh. i dont know. its been a while since ive been trying to get close with her. from tlking via internet to going into her lectures. i gave up the time, money and effort to 'earn' what i think i might recieve.


giving up? tbh. i dont know. its been soo long and she has also told me shes not the right one for me.. i also thought about to giving up a million times but i always end up taking everything back. is giving up really the solution?


moving on? tbh. i dont know. they always say, dont give up the forest for a single tree. i know that. but dude, this tree is what i rkn is really worth giving up a forest for.. i could be wrong but i dont wanna think that either.

find someone else? tbh. i dont know. neptune is also close to me. but i have this major barrier infront of me. well a few.. ill talk about it later. in terms of venus or neptune.. i cudnt pick. how can i resolve this?


go solo? tbh. i dont know. however it is my wish to just stay single and not think about all this random shit.. its just that whenever i have enuff sake to move on or stop this whole thing, a new planet comes into the solar system.


ask for help? tbh. i dont know. even the closest buds i have is having his own troubles. i really dont wanna give them more pressure. some are available but then for certain reasons, i just cant discuss with them. 

what do you want? tbh. i dont know. what i really wanted isnt gonna happen and i know it wont. im thinking about walking in different directions and live 'happier', it will not come true that easily.
 

song of the day: Shoko Nakagawa - Ray of Light

-SADIE DRESS OF SKIN-

 Highly Anticipated! I can't WAIT! Even though im still turned on from their previous single, this will will make me fcking jizz!!!! 

Sadie - Dress of Skin

Release 28.4.2010

XD

 

-Uni-

lol i know, the title doesnt really link, but it sorta will later xD

so ive decided bachelor of social work does not really suit me. for many reasons i rkn.. 

the first one is obviously that i wasnt desired to do it. most of you may know that i was intentionally wanting to do bachelor or behavioural science (psychology) in qut. (why qut? cause i didnt do english in high school so i wasnt eligible to do it at UQ or Griffith <-- no offense but it its lecture do sucked ==) back to the point, so i was deciding weather i should change to a dual degree (psy and social work, or psy and human services) or just go full on psy. my original idea was, y'know, i can get two certificate with twice less the actual time of completely two courses and of cause u will go by that. 

HOWEVER, today in one of my tutorial.. i finally realised that social work is not wat i really wanted. and for those who doesnt know wtf is the difference of psyc and SW; or dont even know wats social work, SW is pretty much giving 'love' to the community. The varety of jobs we get is majorly working for the government to provide help for the community. NOTE that u wont really get paid much.. all u do is help help help help.. which i really wanted to BUT fck.. i've never in my life wanted to touch things relating to the government and shit.. and one reason why i struggled thru SOSE in grade 6-10 is becoz i dont CARE about the FCKING POLITIC/ LAW/ DEMOCRATIC/ GOVERNMENT/ WAT EVER BS!!! FFS.. at first i fort social work is really targetted at helping the society but i didnt figured out 80% of it is related to the government ==' FML.. so anyways.. for the past few weeks im just learning shit about the gov and how it works.. i sorta get it but y'know u tend to not study as well if ur doing somthign u dislike doing yeh? stop here for a sec..

psy is also 'helping' but then its not as broad which only targets at a more personal perspective, deals with mental issues in more dept where as a social worker deals with EVERYONE but just breifly. and im more of a person that likes 1 on 1 in stead of 1 on .. 100? im uber nervouse wen tlking to a bulk loads of people and its NOT funny at all.. i have a freaken stupid oral coming up and im currently shitting my pants xD!!

anyways.. i just rkn i wud be more suitable just doing psychology itself which takes 3 years to complete.

Song of the Day: Lee Hyori - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

btw, hyori is fcking hot == but however, shes going 'lady gaga' style... just watch  the MV ull know wat i mean immediately..

-need a break-

ahh!! why cant u be a guy, i wanna hit u in the face! ==' well not that i dont hit girls but i wud feel better if u were.

question is, do u care? i really dont know why ur doing all this stupid things (to me its stupid cosh i dont see a point in it). how come the way i see you is simply 'misterious'. in a way ur presenting urself to me with a very dependent attitude, but then the next second u can like give me a 180 degree respond. i really wanna know how u think. its so fcked up aye! or maybe im the fcked up one..

am i over reacting again. fckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. my stupid unessessary worrying kicks in too easy i rkn.. im thinking beyond you. why am i even worrying wen ur not reallly caring at all. totally LOST!. imm craving for an answer. 

im trying hard  to convince myself that its about time to move on. move on move on move on move mon move on!! its not worth the time anymore!! gimmi a fcking break from all this shit!! i DECLARE FREEDOM MADA FCK!

----------- ---------------- -----------------

this whole holiday kicked off as a exited anticipation and ended up being a fail week... the coast was okay, but you know.. i dont really classify that as being fun, its not the content, but i rkn it cud be better..

ice skating didnt really turned out well either as my lil chubby bradah went off with his friends to garbo and watched jacky chan leaving me behind as a loner.. i did however met some pretty cool friends tho.

my stupid party.. hah.. fking total mess. in a way it was good cause i got to catch up with many of my bros/ hos. but also made me realise who arnt really wat i call 'bros'. i saw the real identity of some, and some are really dicks =/ i dont wanna sound like a bitch so i fink i shall stop here.. if one of u ever red this, im sure ull know who im tlking about but if ur gonna yell at me, fuck u. i dont care.

coasting with the redeemar people can be the best i say. the ppl went was awesome, however that day was just me bitching bout some ppls haha it wasnt funny if u were there listening to wat im saying. OH and hey, fking gold coast boogie boards are fking shit.. i brought this board for 25 bucks and guess wat, after 2,3 waves it freaken snapped in half, that ruined my day man ==.. i was kinda looking forward to boogying and NO, it had to end that way. i did however went back to the freaken store and get a new one, it didnt break, YET but i can feel the scars on the board already.

nicky's 18 was very good! i missed everyone from skool, and wow.. cant believe i had the chance to see them all again ey! sorry to all of uz coz i left wen the parties actually gotten better. benny/eric's 18 was also kinda good. but again, i didnt really like the lighting and the music =/ no offence, i cudnt see shit haha.. and the stereo was like.. not working properlly. =/ killed my mood aye.. it also ended TOO EARLY!!! 12 is not late! comeon, next time it shall end at like 4 ==..

I SLEPT TODAY. FCK YEh. but thats wen i realise i gota start studying for my exam.. half the day was just dedicated for that and i didnt fink ive learn anything from studying today.. HAH! im fcked ==..

sorry to MACG ppl, im really not in the mood to go coasting tmr.. i have my reasons hope u all can understand.

song of the day: Nikki Flores - I Still Love Her

venus... get back online!

-noon to sunset-

ask me if i had fun today? ill answer yes. definitly. it was my last day of uni before easter holiday. finally i could take a nap. it is not just relaxing, but such a relief. i dont think i have been this stressfree (even though ill be having exams straight after easter holiday) since preschool... everything seem to unravel itself. however, i was late into my lecture.. so are my friends so it wasnt too embarrasing. i was very hungry however, ate cerial in the morning.. thats bout it and my stomachs just rumbling the whole time and the person next to me can literally hear it.. *embarrased* i then skipped my tutorial.. being rebelous now.. ive actually never wagged in my previoud school life and somthing just got in my head and boom... im doing it now and it sure feels.. great haha..

i got to city at like 11.15. no one was there asual. lucky my friend who was at my lecture also wagged with me. we went up to cue city, it was not very packed, which is good. less pressure no need to show off. tbh, its hard not to :P i beat my friend 4-0 in pool. ha ha.... i feel like more atm.. nyways. she then had to go to bustop so i walked her there. i then went to kfc, gave hayden lo a call. he picked up and told me hes actually nearby aswell. such a coincident.. blah.. met up with him. lifted up to tops, funhouse. us two facing the DJ max techonica machine. i hopped on, plugged in my headphones, setup to look like a pro. hey but guess what, i pulled out a .. beginners ._. card and inserted to the machine and selected normal level. I OWNED (H).. fullstop again.

Hayden then had to leave home so in no time i just decided to go back to cue city to see if the weekly city bums are there. hey guess what again. no one was there still but venus appeared at table 14. she was being companied by her friend. i realised somthing cheaky going on tho but i wud like to keep it in for now :) so i just yeh.. awkwardly said hi to venus and sat down. i took out my fone to pretend to be tlking on it for like 10 second before i actually realised i have to give aaron a call.. but anyways hahaha... (dont u just get those siolent awkward moments wen u and ur friend's convo just dies? and the best way to solve it is to get ur phone out and pretend ur on it HAHAHA.. it works..) i sat there. didnt do shit all.. some other friends came, chat chat chat. bs bs  bs. la la la.. akdjf;alkdjf;k its 1.28 wen i last saw the time. venus then had to leave to go uni. she stormed out the area and began heading the exit. she looked at me.. immediately i just had the most randomist and gutfull idea popped in my head. i hand signaled her (can i come) <--- lol i wonder how'd u do it with h.signals..she nodded* it was shocking but yeh. i did it and i jumped up, said bye to others and raced behind her. on the way to her busstop i was just trying to not make things awkward.. make lame jokes as usual and try get her to smile haha.. it wasnt long after i tried doing so i saw the first sunrise of the day hahaha! she smiled! but anyways.. try not spend too much time on her 'smile' moving on.. so it was just me paying her out, stop tlking, tlk again whilst walking. the cycle continued throughout the journey to the busstop.

My original idea was just to bus on the same bus as her and get off at garden city since my cars parked there. i asked the bus driver "does this bus stop at garbo? near garbo?" answer was "no".. hey guess what AGAIN.. i stayed on .. i had shit nothing running thru my mind at that point, all i wanted was to be with her.. i sat down next to her, met her friends (awkwardly as usual) and stayed quiet. i kinda tried tlking to her..  but it somehows always end up with me teasing her and she ignores me.. then again and again blhablhablah... she then borrowed my iphone.. yes she cud work one haha.. she was figiting around with it and finally played one song: Jessica Jarrell ft. Rob Allen - Watcha Doing.Great song ay haha.. just the right one to remind me of HER when shes right infront of me.. we stayed siolent once the song started playing. sat there  till we got to her uni. she  took headphones off and we hopped off the bus. i went into her lecture. 1 and ahalf hr of BS .. srsly.. BS!! i should get paid for wat i did today. i basically sat there, help her  take down notes while she mucks around with my iphone.. wat kinda gf retard does  that aye? like using me!! haha ... jks..it was a fun time tho... never even thought i wud spend time with venus like that today, speshally in a lecture room. haha.. weird.. i fort i made everything awkward too..

After the lecture, we were waiting for the bus. somthing very very funny/ memorable happend.. a lil butterfly flew against her arm and planted itself there.. i was like "0o" *points* she goes AHHHH get it off get it off! what is it with a '><' face.. i rofled and im like uhh... i shall flic...wait.. do u wanna see it first? *she looks over slowly* and *SCREAMS* >< >< >venus? you know how when u see someone infront of u right. you know that they act totally different at home but u sorta accepted who they are due to how the appeal to others? and at that time.. i kinda saw the real her haha... somthign that i cant explain by words.. oh one more thing.. her eyes are soo 0.0.. BIG!!.. very attractive.. yet includes a sense of evil in it when she glimpse at u hahah.. i like it :)

Well last part of the story, we're on the bus again, i chose the long way by busing with her. listening to music. seeing her 'trying to get to sleep'. i know she is thinking about heaps of things. i tried asking but i failed miserably. like even tho ive made her feel a lot more comfortable but she just dont seem to be open enuff to me .. just yet... maybe again.. im just not the right person to tlk to.. or shes scard.. of me? haha i dont know.. i just did my best try to make stuff less awkward and yeh.. flows.. it kinda did.. thanks to the music haha.. and damn.. those shitty old r&b i use to listen to does kick in some shitty memories haha.. however i liked it tooo.. i didnt only just rmred nightmard memories.. i've got a piece of memeory right beside me.. this feeling is just... i havent experienced in ages.. im kinda lil concerned tho.. is she really the one? or am i just thinking too much.. we got off at her busstop and she gave me a 'half' hug and went home; i walked the opposite direction.

lalala got home, piano then went to kareoke for ROSINA's 18th bday. i kinda forgot her present xD haha.. but anyways.. i lost my voice from singing too much.. ate shitloads of cake which was awesome. saw heaps of ppl and dicks :P but overall it was a good party :)!!! and once again.

HAPPY BDAY! ROSINA!!!!

on the way home.. i was driving down mains road  (and YES I TOOK IT WHILE DRIVING.. dont report me >_>) i just had a random fort about everything happend today. i started off with a retarded relaxing today, to a day full of exitment and miseries, to a day back to just be being alone again. i realised my days are actually like this everytime. its a cycle. ill always end up being by myself... the feelings i had is just really the surface of the skin, it doesnt really get into the inner layer part of it. becoz that part is set for me and me only.. i really wanna know wat im reallying looking for in my life.. love? uni? family? friends? anything... just tell me and answer.. just like the photo, ill never find out wats infront of me untill i really experience it.. right now.. all i can do is assumptions and hope for the best.. well.. yeh.. wish everyone a happy EASTER :)

Song of the day: Utada Hikaru - Merry X'm Mr. Lawrence