man im soo tired. i got an exam in less than 12 hrs and im still up not thinking about doing work. why do i always do stupid things. spending time, money, stemina and sleep on useless matters. another night im staying up till 3,4 thinking about shit like should i wait for her? will she really care if i wasnt here waiting? of coz she never really cared, but tbh i dont expect her to, im really her nobody plus we only meant for a lil while.. why am i being so dramatic again. i shud be over all these stupidity. i dont want to think about stuff that is too much for me to handle. its just not somthing someone like me wud deserve to experience.. im not good enuff, nor i am worth it. the differences is that i am not the ideal type of her.. luckily i try not to show it anymore anyways...
i had a big cry infront of the boys the other day at a party, thats when i actually realised what alc can make you do; but ofcoz thats not the only thing i realised, i also acknowledged the ones who are around me at that time was the ones that actually cared about me. i swear i've never begged for mercy in that way ever in my life.. i begged for help, support, and asking why is it still so unfair after soo long. i brought up the past 3 years again. it gave me alota queries in which i have to ask myself again and again, is what im doing atm right? is what im ignoring going to achieve anything in the future and is the things ive done gonna pay off..
well 'devil may cry' im assure that nel nel can also cry, but that shall only be one of those execption times where i can do so to express how i feel. tearing isnt really the solution.. yet i cant find a better one. hah.. that night totally gave me a chance to release everythhing i had inside me. i shall just hope and forget... however right now, i just wanna get things straight.. straighter than before anyways.. is that what can i really do now? how do you feel? i dont want to ask you this q. coz i know i dont have the right to atm.. its killing me >< this waiting feeling is certainly not a good friend of mine.
song of the day : Nightcore - 7 Years and 50 Days. my grade 10 fav song. (sorry cudnt find the original ver. by Cascada but its as good ^^)
ps. thanks Steve Pang, Ryan Hampson and others who are at the party on Saturday who shared my tears with.
i guess this will have to go all the way back to riverfire. since grade nine, I have been watching the fireworks by myself. I remeber that K wasnt allowed out but was also watching the fireworks at home directly accross from southbank. It was a very long time, but just dont know why I still ahve these kinda stupid things in mind. Then in grade 10, i think it was meant to be with C but she stayed home instead, she isnt those outing ppl so yeh.. it wasnt a supice she end up not coming, all i got from that night was just tlking to her on the phone whilst watching the fireworks. grade 11 was J, however she had her other half with her and of cause i will have no chance to watch it with her. that jealousy feeling still remains here and it does not feel good. grade 12 which is last year, riverfire was a total mess, S was there, that night i just dont even wanna think about anymore. it is really weird. its all misunderstand but even though, i know that ive caused most of it. im such a 拖累。。lastly, this year, I thought K would turn up but she just cant be fcked at all. she stayed home and enjoyed her Kpops, she only realised it was riverfire when the jets went past... hah... very very very fcked. every year resulted in the same way. next year's i really dont look forward to it and dont want to go.
why is it so unfair? am i not working hard enough? did i caused disaster in my past life that resulted me in such a low stage? people that i see in my eyes does not turn around, where as people who have me in their eyes I did not care. it isnt a good situation. always alone at last. yes today is my 18th. everyone was very happy, camera flashes, happy birthday song, kisses and brothers. but afterall, on the way home is just me and my car + some visuel kei. the one that i really thought about the whole day i did not hear from. was ist das? please make me feel more useful? please show me what i really am? what im capable of? such a weak person i am i see in the mirror. K, what do you really think about in your mind? I dont get you. how do you feel about me? am i annoying? and why do you have to know him.. this birthday was really great at the start, i even got a hug from R which i never fort i wud ever have the chance since primary. but K, why do i have to see him on your profile.. i dont want anything to do with this anymore. rescue me 可以吗？K, pick up your phone.. are you actually not busy but just annoyed... please make me realise what i am missing out on..
ps. thanks for everyone's comment on fb, txt, and confrontation ^^
she is soo bored that i have to write a bored to describe how bored it is.... so anyways... she is just lying there doing jack shit... i really like wanna push her off the chair. she is gay...... she has somthign to play with, but she doesnt seem to be saatisfied.. she looks stressed / tired. her hands are fat =] i dont no why is she lying there.. she can just go sleep.. ==' okay my shitty habits kicking in again... im just gonna type w/e that comes to my head... she just sat up.... looking up at the screen and back at the bird straight away... a song just played that totally made me fink back into the past... OMFG ==' i shall make her suffer for everything ... i wanna eat her alive. smile smile smile... i hate seeing ur dead look......
Gazette, finally produce somthing worth my time to download and enjoy since their single 'Distress and Coma'. Haha, funny, their songs called RED but im writing in blue.. a pretty big contrast. but dw, the love for them shall continue from this point onwards :)
Reita's (bass)hair is so much cooler. The fact that he has a nose band is hot enuff but DUDE, now hes also got a head band.. woahh ^^ its not longer blonde blonde, but it really suits him i gess. this guy gives me a misterious feeling. i really wonder wats hiding behind that band..
then we have our drummer, kai. he is actually becoming alot more attractive. despite that his drum skill is very awesome, he seems to be more appealing than wat he was in the past. his hair also changed alot. at a point, he had alota extentions but now, simply natural but carries a sense of ohrah with him xP
up next is Mr Uruha, dude, i honestly dont no how to pronounce his name, OO-ROO-Ha? haha but anyyways hes very awesome, his hair changes all the time. in 'Shivers' his hair was ultra long and was all pushed to the front giving a megawavy look, however in this one, it looks more straight and clean. reminds me of that red hair guy from final fantasy but dont no his name =P. i ike his jacket too.. omfg.. i wanna go japan!!!
totally cant miss Aoi, his guitar skill is wow.. facinating. this shall make him one of my fave guitarist. before, i didnt know why he has like a 2in1 guitar but now.. i still dont no wats its called but i know why he has it :P he is less attractive than the other few but i wudnt mind him to be my big brother :)
lucky last, we have vocalist RUKI! he is BLONDE AGAIN!!! he suits blonde more i rkn, this clean straight spikey hair was wat he had back in the past wen hes younger. hes voice is very unique. it is so strong! power! dynamic! have i told u that his tatoo is also amazing.. its located below his chin and along his neck just like nails thursting thru his skin~ wow.. SEXY!
overall, gazette had made me happy with this album thats why i decided to dedicate a whole blog for them =] NOT.. :P well now some of my own shit~
listening exam for german in 2 weeks exactly. bday comes in 1 week exactly. reiji is 1 day after my bday should i go? i shall decide later. however there is a higher chance of me going to the halloween KK cosh those kients want me to go dance with them. and YES just dancing :P not thinking about getting girls at this moment :P
mum decided to put a bed in this computer room for brother, so therefore i cant stay up late anymore skyping with friends. fml~ well i kinda didnt care last night and got lil bro pissed.. oh wellz.. =D ill try aviod it, if i cant.. too bad!!
parties are coming up, i shall get wasted even provided i have exams coming up. oh wellz fck it :P worry about it later. but one enemy still currently infront of me everynight. 'inosmnia' its soo effed? like srsly.. let me sleep ==' i just seem to thinkn of shit every night wen i get off the comp and jump on bed. i hear the highway, cars speeding; the wind clashing in and hitting my window; homestays from next door walking around going to toilet; that tempt which wants me to check my phone once in a while.. hah.. i wan it to stop.. some say to use pills.. but i dont do drugs == dont wanna get addicted... maybe i need a old method of tlking on the phone and get tired from that.
the process of changing ink for my printer.
*i hate it wen the tv doesnt work
*i hate it wen salinas playing dumb
*or actually am dumb
*i hate it wen my printer goes outa ink
*cosh i gota refill it
*and refilling it takes shitloads of time..
*i gota open the printer cover
*then the protective screen
*then i have to wait for the ink to slowly move out
*then i gota unlock the safety belt
*then get the black in out
*and i gota make sure itsn ot hte colour one
*i gota walk to the draw
*and get a new one out
*and i gota make sure ive got a black ink instead of colour ink out
*then i gota open
*and opening it is soo hard
*that i have to find a pair of scissors
*to cut thru it
*then get a big enuff hole
*to slide the ink out
*THEN i gota use incredible hulk stregth to open the cap of the ink
*then have to aim it in the printer properlly
*then put it in and make sure that it doesnt get mixed with the colour ink
*lock it up
*put the safetly belt back on
*then the screen
*then the printer cover
*then i gota press
*the okay button
*to say that ive change ink
*but it will ask me ifi have changed the black
*or colour ink
*i gota press no for colour
*and yes for black
*if i mix it up it iwll just wont work?
*and just keep the data it orginallly have
*SO after i click the right one
*i gota wait for it to load 5 minutes THEN i can print again.
it was that moment, that kiss that tiggled my heart. on the way home, i thought and thought and thought, it got my crazy. i hata sing crazy while driving home.. i really dont know.. im getting a msg from you that makes me fink that u might feel the same.. but i dont no if its true or am i being dramatic about it again. it has happend so much. these mistakes ive had from the past resulted in what i became now. i want to show you what i really am, but the theme isnt at its best fit.. i need to see you ... tell you in person, dont want any misunderstanding. i hope the following weekend will give me an asnwer. if thing goes as anticipated, i shall make a move when the dark sky becomes colourful..