i guess this will have to go all the way back to riverfire. since grade nine, I have been watching the fireworks by myself. I remeber that K wasnt allowed out but was also watching the fireworks at home directly accross from southbank. It was a very long time, but just dont know why I still ahve these kinda stupid things in mind. Then in grade 10, i think it was meant to be with C but she stayed home instead, she isnt those outing ppl so yeh.. it wasnt a supice she end up not coming, all i got from that night was just tlking to her on the phone whilst watching the fireworks. grade 11 was J, however she had her other half with her and of cause i will have no chance to watch it with her. that jealousy feeling still remains here and it does not feel good. grade 12 which is last year, riverfire was a total mess, S was there, that night i just dont even wanna think about anymore. it is really weird. its all misunderstand but even though, i know that ive caused most of it. im such a 拖累。。lastly, this year, I thought K would turn up but she just cant be fcked at all. she stayed home and enjoyed her Kpops, she only realised it was riverfire when the jets went past... hah... very very very fcked. every year resulted in the same way. next year's i really dont look forward to it and dont want to go.
why is it so unfair? am i not working hard enough? did i caused disaster in my past life that resulted me in such a low stage? people that i see in my eyes does not turn around, where as people who have me in their eyes I did not care. it isnt a good situation. always alone at last. yes today is my 18th. everyone was very happy, camera flashes, happy birthday song, kisses and brothers. but afterall, on the way home is just me and my car + some visuel kei. the one that i really thought about the whole day i did not hear from. was ist das? please make me feel more useful? please show me what i really am? what im capable of? such a weak person i am i see in the mirror. K, what do you really think about in your mind? I dont get you. how do you feel about me? am i annoying? and why do you have to know him.. this birthday was really great at the start, i even got a hug from R which i never fort i wud ever have the chance since primary. but K, why do i have to see him on your profile.. i dont want anything to do with this anymore. rescue me 可以吗？K, pick up your phone.. are you actually not busy but just annoyed... please make me realise what i am missing out on..
song of the day: Sadie - Swallow Rain