man im soo tired. i got an exam in less than 12 hrs and im still up not thinking about doing work. why do i always do stupid things. spending time, money, stemina and sleep on useless matters. another night im staying up till 3,4 thinking about shit like should i wait for her? will she really care if i wasnt here waiting? of coz she never really cared, but tbh i dont expect her to, im really her nobody plus we only meant for a lil while.. why am i being so dramatic again. i shud be over all these stupidity. i dont want to think about stuff that is too much for me to handle. its just not somthing someone like me wud deserve to experience.. im not good enuff, nor i am worth it. the differences is that i am not the ideal type of her.. luckily i try not to show it anymore anyways...
i had a big cry infront of the boys the other day at a party, thats when i actually realised what alc can make you do; but ofcoz thats not the only thing i realised, i also acknowledged the ones who are around me at that time was the ones that actually cared about me. i swear i've never begged for mercy in that way ever in my life.. i begged for help, support, and asking why is it still so unfair after soo long. i brought up the past 3 years again. it gave me alota queries in which i have to ask myself again and again, is what im doing atm right? is what im ignoring going to achieve anything in the future and is the things ive done gonna pay off..
well 'devil may cry' im assure that nel nel can also cry, but that shall only be one of those execption times where i can do so to express how i feel. tearing isnt really the solution.. yet i cant find a better one. hah.. that night totally gave me a chance to release everythhing i had inside me. i shall just hope and forget... however right now, i just wanna get things straight.. straighter than before anyways.. is that what can i really do now? how do you feel? i dont want to ask you this q. coz i know i dont have the right to atm.. its killing me >< this waiting feeling is certainly not a good friend of mine.
song of the day : Nightcore - 7 Years and 50 Days. my grade 10 fav song. (sorry cudnt find the original ver. by Cascada but its as good ^^)
ps. thanks Steve Pang, Ryan Hampson and others who are at the party on Saturday who shared my tears with.